NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
