I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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