May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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