So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
