Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
