I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
