i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
