why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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