You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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