I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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