the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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