Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
