just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Dicks are not precious.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
