my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
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Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
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I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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