Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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