apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
