Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
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Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
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What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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