My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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