Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
