Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
