I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
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Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
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He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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