I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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