So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
