Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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