Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
