I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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