I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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