it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
