We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
