I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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