and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
