Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
