I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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