It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
