was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
