I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Use "feeling words"
Yay
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
