No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
