dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
