I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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