I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I did not marry a roomba.
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