I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.