how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.