So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
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