My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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