Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
