Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
