Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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