i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
