My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
