I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
