here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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