Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
