Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
