I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
