he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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