weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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