**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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